ok ok - I know - I had lofty goals about blogging and I fell off the wagon. It has been a pretty busy, fairly stressful last few months. We have been surrounded by people we love falling into comas, developing lymphoma, finding malignant chordomas (tumors attached to the brain stem and spinal cord), going through multiple risky surgeries, learning they have only a few months to live due to end-stage cancer, passing away at the age of 86, having hysterectomies, having separations and divorces, you know, typically every day run of the mill stuff, right?? funny thing is that these types of things do happen on a regular basis - but I guess I haven't experienced SO much of it in such a short time. I have figured out that with stressors in my own life, I tend to have a 'this too shall come to pass attitude' - I only wallow in self-pity for a really short while and then move on. I am finding this moving on more challenging as I am looking at the hard things being faced by my dear ones - thinking in particular about the life they have left to live and the people they would be leaving behind if they did leave.
If you know my beliefs, you know that I believe that they aren't gone forever, that loved ones will be united and that eventually, all will end well. My belief in this has not changed, I believe that what has been promised us by a kind Heavenly Father will be fulfilled. And I grieve. For our 35-year-old friend, his wife, and their 2 little boys who have made it through 2 incredibly complicated trans-nasal surgeries to resect 95% of the chordoma in his brain. I feel sad that they have to go through this, that he might be done his life here and she will be left to survive without him. Thinking of that blows me away. And that they still have some intense proton therapy to come. It is stressful, and difficult. And it isn't even me!
I didn't actually ever think that I would be coming to terms with my own mortality at the age of 35. And yet, here I am, doing exactly that. I have learned some things about how I want to live my life from these wonderful people.
I have learned from my friend Alison what it means to be a fighter. She has had more surgeries than I can count due to Chron's disease. She has had a drastically different life than she probably imagined for herself. And she has fought every step of the way to turn it into the life she wants. She has a fantastic husband, a beautiful son, she is committed and caring and strong. One of the best women I know.
I have learned from Greg and Erinn (the ones up above with the chordoma) that you can look for the miracles in everything and that you can get them. They have been pretty upbeat about this whole thing and I am so impressed with their commitment to each other and to their kids and to staying positive. Seriously - we love these two. They are 2 of the best people in the world!!!
I learned from a mentor of mine who is likely not to live much longer due to advanced cancer - oh man, I have learned many things - one thing I have learned from him about the importance of priorities, of examining your life, deciding what you want out of it and making it happen. He often says (it was morbid the time first time) that a good way to live would be to pretend you were going to die in the next 5 years. If you knew this, what you focus on, what would you try to accomplish.
I learned from my Grandma who recently passed away to love my people because that is what she did!
I learn regularly from Mike's sister who seems to have more than her share of health difficulties to take it with strength, calmness, competence. To look it in the eye and say I can do this. I am not sure if she knows that this is what I learn from her, but I do.
so there you go. I am back, I am going to stop wallowing in sadness and stress for everyone else's problems, I am going to stop stress-eating myself back into my maternity clothes (no I am not pregnant, I just look like I am) and I am going to be positive & strong. I am going to fight for what I want in my life. I am going to look for miracles all around me. I am going to examine my priorities and make sure I am headed in the direction I want to be headed. I am going to love love love my people. And I am going to say 'I can do hard things' when hard things come up.
